How I Traveled To The Future – Part 3

Introduction | Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

Many of you may have been wondering how my stomach virus has anything to do with my amazing feat of traveling into the future.
My answer is: Just keep on reading.

Anyway, I was back at work, with a stomach virus and strict doctor’s orders not to drink any coffee.

Let it be clear that I like coffee.
A lot.

At first I was all like, “Yeah, I can manage without coffee!”

Then time started passing.
Slowly.

Things got even worse, because of my co-workers.
Were they like, “Hey, Jack can’t drink any coffee. So let’s not drink coffee next to him.”?
Oh, no. They were like, “Hey, I want coffee. I’m going to drink coffee now. Boy, do I love coffee! Coffee, coffee, coffee.”

My brain didn’t take this well.

In fact, no part of me took it well.
Heck, I was being deprived of the source of my energy, my sanity, and my will to live.

Before I knew it, a strange sensation came over me.
I was feeling this strange calmness, and the world around me was dimming. I seemed to recall such a feeling in the past, though I wasn’t sure from where.

Then my face started doing things against my will.
My eyelids started drooping, and my mouth kept on stretching open.

I began to panic. What was going on?
The next moment, the unnatural calmness washed over me, and I lost consciousness.

Blackness settled over me.

Eventually, I came back to my senses.

I casually glanced at my watch, as a matter of habit.

It took a moment for my mind to register what it was I was looking at.

But then the realization came, and it came screaming and kicking furiously.

I was in the future!!!
And that, folks, concludes my amazing tale.

Introduction | Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

How I Traveled To The Future – Part 2

Introduction | Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

So there I was, in what was becoming the worst day in my life (the worst was yet to come) with a terrible pain in my stomach.

Looking back, I realize that the situation gave me an awesome advantage whenever I argue with women over Which Gender Is Better.
These arguments usually involve (at some point) the claim that “You men have no idea what giving birth is like!”
Well, guess what, ladies.
I know exactly what it feels like.

Anyway, I had to call my boss to let her know that I couldn’t return to work.
“I don’t think I’ll return to the office,” I explained over the phone. “I have a terrible – OH, HEAVENS! THERE IT GOES AGAIN! – pain in my – DEAR GOD, IT HURTS! – stomach, and I need to go see a – MERCY! MERCY! – doctor.”

Thus, I went to see the doctor.
(Thus. What a funny word. Thus, thus, thus.)

Now, many people are afraid of doctors.

Some are afraid because of this:

Others are afraid of this:

And some are afraid of this:

I too am afraid of doctors, but not because of any of the above.
I’m afraid because of this:

Hello?
You’ve gone to medical school for seven years, and you still need these diagrams?
What on earth did you learn there?

I just hope brain surgeons don’t perform operations out of a user’s manual.

Anyway, I went to the doctor.
And he examined me.
And then he spoke.

“Mr. Spire,” he said, “you have a stomach virus.”

Awesome!
Viruses are the best. You don’t have to get a shot, you don’t have to take yucky medicine, and you don’t have to weigh yourself. You just get to stay home.
Sure, I had this excruciating pain in my stomach, but the pain was already there, so hearing that it was only a virus was awesome.

“You need to get some rest,” the doctor said.
Awesome.
“You should stay home a couple of days,” the doctor went on.
Awesome. Doctors are amazing. I love these guys.
“And stay away from milk products,” he added.

Uh oh. Little warning light on that last one.

“Um,” I said, my heart pounding. “Does that include coffee?”
Oh, God, I thought. Make him say I can drink coffee. Make him-

The doctor fixed his cold, heartless eyes on mine.
“Especially coffee,” he said. “Don’t touch the stuff.”

Have I already mentioned that this was the worst day in my life?

To be continued…

Introduction | Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

How I Traveled To The Future – Part 1

It all started with the worst day in my life.

I was at work, when my boss sent me on an errand.
“Jack,” she said, “I’m sending you on an errand.”

I’m a programmer, not an errand-go-onner, so I obeyed because I didn’t want to get fired.

“Okay,” said I.
(Evidently, okay is one of the words I’m really good at saying.)

Anyway, I went on the errand.
This is actually boring, so I’m going to skip to the interesting part.

The Interesting Part:
I was waiting for the bus to get back to the office, when I was smitten with an explosion of agony in my stomach.

This happened entirely without warning.
One moment I was waiting for the bus, congratulating myself for having completed my errand successfully and not being fired, and the next I was like, “Oh my god, my insides are trying to kill me!”

Now, this was no plain old stomach ache.
This felt like the Abdominal Apocalypse.

Then, just as quickly as it started, the pain was gone.

“Oh, good,” I sighed. “Thank God that’s over wi-
OH DEAR GOD MY IT’S LIKE I’M BEING STABBED WITH A VOLCANO!!!”

I doubled over, hugging myself and whining pathetically.
Passersby ignored me, probably reasoning that I preferred to die undisturbed.

Then the pain subsided, and I stood up and pretended nothing had ever happened.

Then the pain came back.

“OH GOD!” I shrieked. “PLEASE STOP DOING THIS!”
(Immediately, my brain said to me: “Thou shalt not speaketh my name in pain. Haha! Get it? Lol.” It’s amazing how my brain could be such a jerk while the rest of me was suffering.)

Then the pain was gone.
I took advantage of the ceasefire, and made a mad dash for the nearest shop.
By the way, I was near some shops.

“Hi,” I said to the shopkeeper. “Would you mind if I used your – OH, MY GUT!!! I THINK I’M GOING TO – sorry about that. Is it okay if I use your – FIRE AND BRIMSTONE*!!! MY STOMACH IS EXPLODING!!! – use your bathroom?”
*I actually said something else, but my mother reads this blog.

Pale-faced, the shopkeeper nodded wordlessly and pointed to the bathroom.

I stumbled in, and only barely made it on time.

…

It took a while.
Suffice to say that I used a lot of toilet paper.

And then things went from bad to worse:
I flushed.
But I had used too much toilet paper, and the toilet backed up.

I stood there in horror, completely at loss.
This is the kind of stuff we need to deal with in life, I realized. But do they teach any of this in school? No sir! We were too busy learning about history, and gravity (and many other useless stuff, though I have no idea what exactly).
I mean, if gravity is supposed to help us in life, why did the stuff in the toilet go UP instead of DOWN when I flushed?

Not knowing what else to do, I started laughing.
It didn’t help, so I stopped.

Then things started going from worse to even worser:
My stomach started hurting again.
And I had to deal with the toilet.

“Oh, God,” I whispered, “why are you doing this to me?”
It occurred to me that perhaps I shouldn’t be praying from inside a bathroom, next to a backed-up toilet.
To pray, or not to pray?
“What to you say, God? Is it alright to pray in here?”
Darn. That was praying again.

The pain in the stomach was building up.

Gathering all my courage, I marched right out of the bathroom and approached the shopkeeper.
“I’m really sorry,” I told him.

“It’s okay,” he said.

“About your toilet,” I continued.

Speaking of continued,
To be continued…

Introduction | Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

Oh My God, I’ve Just Traveled In Time And Gone To The Future!!!

It’s true!!!

And I’ve gone, like, a month and a half into the future!

Wow! This is amazing!
This is so cool; I need to contact some scientists.

If anyone wants to interview me all about my amazing feat, I’ve (still) got an open slot in my calendar. I don’t charge much, and it’ll give you a sensational story.

Read the full story!!!

Shampoo

“Perhaps we should have tested it on animals first.”

Unfunny Post

This is Bob:

Bob is not funny.

My Evil Habit

Whenever someone peers over my shoulder while I’m busy with a crossword puzzle (which means he’ll probably start helping me soon), I fill it out like this:

BTW, the original puzzle is from this site.
Please don’t sue me, site people!