This post is about The Mysterious Mustache, just like the title says.
Also – just like the title says – this post is not about murdering madmen.
This post is also about sweatpants.
And about shaven heads.
And sleeveless undershirts.
And people who have all those things.
But mostly the mustache, which is also spelled moustache, and also misspelled mustash.
It all started when I was born.
About 27 years later, I was on a bus one Thursday evening, on my usual weekly-Thursday-evening-bus-ride.
That’s when I saw the weird guy.
Before you call me an anti-weird-guy bigot, let me tell you that you’re right.
This guy was shaven (at least his head was), except for his ginormous walrus mustache.
On top of that (which – ironically – was actually underneath it) the guy wore a black, sleeveless undershirt and black sweatpants that were pulled all the way up to his armpits.
He looked pretty much like this:
only a million times weirder.
His knees are bent because he’s sitting, by the way.
And then I saw him the next week.
And the next.
And then the next week I didn’t see him because I hadn’t been on the bus for some reason.
And then the next he was back again.
And then he wasn’t.
Anyhow, I figured this was just some weird guy, right?
Because a few weeks later, I saw someone else on the same bus.
The someone else was a couple of decades younger, but he had:
- The same shaven head
- The same black, sleeveless undershirt
- The same black sweatpants pulled all the way up to his armpits
- And the same walrus mustache!!1
These guys might both belong to the American Mustache Institute, which turns out to be an actual thing from real life, or part of some super-secret cult where everybody has to walk around with sweatpants-wedgies and grow gigantic mustaches.
Only I don’t think they’re from the American Mustache Institute, so they must be members of this sickly cult.
So if anyone of you readers knows something about this cult, I beg you to let us know!
I’m going to end this post in awkward silence.
Gosh, this is awkward.
Maybe if I just wait quietly, everyone will just walk away.
SUPER DUPER IMPORTANT UPDATE!!!
As reader Svlad pointed out, these two mustache-people might be the same guy, and he can TIME-TRAVEL.
This is earth-shattering news, if it’s true, because until now I thought I was the only one who could travel through time.
This guy might be a deadly rival or a trusted colleague.
Either way, I’m afraid of his sweatpants thing.
I guess this would also make him a member of the One Man With Huge Mustache And Weird Sweatpants Pulled All The Way Up Who Can Travel Through Time Cult.