Keeping Your Home Safe

Seeing Things

They say that the Mona Lisa keeps on staring at you even if you move around.

Dunno. Personally, I think she’d get bored after a while*.

* Unless she’s actually playing Stare! all this time, in which case she’s the #1 player EVER.

Your Opinion Matters!

A short while back, I published a true story involving:

1. Gross noises
2. Me
3. An embarrassing incident including both of the above

This made me wonder, which noise IS the grossest?
Why don’t we find out?

Balloon

Recursion

Now this, ladies and gentlemen, is recursive.

Third To Most Embarrassing Moment EVER

True story.
Unfortunately.

So I was at work on Friday.
And I had to go to the bathroom, which I did.

This wasn’t going to be one of those quickie “I’ll be back in a jiffy! Make sure no bugs fall into my coffee!” ventures to the b-room.
Uh-uh. This was one of the “Oh my God, I really shouldn’t have used that funny-smelling milk for my coffee (even though it hadn’t officially expired yet); If I’m not back in half an hour, please call an ambulance” kind.

So there I was, earning a programmer’s salary while sitting on the toilet and thinking philosophical thoughts, when the noise started.
Let me tell you that I am very sensitive to noise (especially to the noise of a flowerpot hitting me on the head).
And this noise that I heard now wan’t just any noise.
It was coming from one of the next stalls, and it included practically every gross sound imaginable.

Before you read the list of horrible sounds I heard, make sure you aren’t grossed out by gross things!

Anyway, here’s the Dreadful List of Noises From Hell that came from the other stall:

• Gas-passing!
• Snorting!
• Grunting!
• Phlegmy coughing!
• …Which was followed by juicy spitting!
• …And sometimes by loud swallowing noises!
• And last of all: Huge, sickening, wall-shaking belches!

Yuck.

You really should have heard those belches.
I had never heard anything like them, and I fervently wish I never hear anything like them ever again.

Anyway, I had a most unpleasant time in the bathroom.

Eventually, I heard the guy unlock his door, walk out of his stall, and start washing his hands.
(At least he had some sense of hygiene.)

Half a minute later, I was done.
I stepped out of my own stall, and our eyes met.

“Our eyes met” can sometimes be a good thing.
But it wasn’t, on this occasion.
No-sirree, it was not pleasant aaat all.
It was one of those “He knows that I know that he knows that I know that we both know that he did it, and we both wish neither of us was here at the moment” moments.

I mean, I know the guy, sort of.
We run across each other sometimes at work, though I’m not sure exactly what his name is.

Anyway, the man lowered his eyes quickly, and escaped from the men’s room as fast as he could without making it obvious that he was running away.
I felt bad for him, whatever his name was again.

And then, the cacophony of gross noises started again.

I turned around, and realized that another of the stalls was occupied.
Somebody was still in there, burping and snorting a gurgling and grunting and gassing to his heart’s content.

So it hadn’t been that other dude after all!
And there I was, thinking that it had been him, when it hadn’t.
I became all philosophical again, and started thinking about how should give others the benefit of the doubt.

And then I dawned upon me to wonder what the other guy must have thought when our eyes met.

Altruism

I have decided to show everyone what an awesome altruist I am.

Why?
Because in the olden days (meaning about a year ago) I used to use this blog merely to entertain folks and help ‘em smile.
Whereas nowadays, I merely use to blog to entertain folks and help ‘em smile, and also to promote my awesome book and my awesome plugin religion.

So what’s wrong with that?
Nothing, of course. Otherwise I wouldn’t be doing it, me being the altruist that I am, and altruists being famous for doing things that are most certainly NOT wrong. (Except for making wrong turns while driving once in a while, but only for the right reasons, such as being given the wrong directions.)

Anyway, I decided to aim my generosity toward my poor cousin , Kai Su.
Kai is a decent fellow with awesome ideas and a wonderful website, yet without much dough in his pocket.

If you are planning a party or event, or if you’re planning to plan such, please check out Ejovo.com and help my poor (yet decent) cousin earn a living!
Ejovo – Party Planning and e-Management

V for Stupidity

Today I have taken the wrong bus and spent three hours of my life upon it.

Having said that, I am going to change the topic.

NEW TOPIC:
The Awesome Adventure Of Xiapo Yellip Zump
(That’s the book I wrote.)

And speaking of the book I wrote, I happened to Google it today.
And guess what?
I found it, because that’s the way it works with Google.

But I was in for a couple of surprises.

• Surprise #1: Two people have actually rated my book on Amazon;
• Surprise #2: It got a really bad review.

Here’s a screenshot:

(And here‘s a link to the screenshot.)

Concerning the reviews, I have to things to say:

• Thing #1: Alan (M.S.), you are awesome.
• Thing #2: Clive V. Prother is a moron.

Now to deal with Mr. Clive V. Prother.

First of all, Mr. Clive, what kind of a stupid name is “V.”? Heck, what were your parents thinking when they named you that?
Secondly, of course the book isn’t “humerous”. “Humerous” isn’t even a real word.
Thirdly, it turns out you are a serial badmouther. I bet you’re just cranky because you had a rough childhood. Who wouldn’t, with a name like “V.”?

A Word Is Worth 1/1000 Of A Picture

Modern art.
One of the biggest loads of meadow muffins since the Great Bovine Convention of 1847.

I mean, just look at it!

No, there’s nothing wrong with your browser. That’s how the thing is supposed to look.

So what am I going to do about it?
Just sit and complain?

Yes.

But after I’m done complaining (which I am), I’ll expand the idea further, and propose new directions in which modern art can develop:

COOL IDEA #1 – MODERN LITERATURE
Here’s a sample of what I hereby call “modern literature”.
It’s just like modern art, only literature:

Me eat apple.
Apple yummy.
Yum yum yum.
With three hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobiatic omnivores and a carrot, like sunflowers ballooning with the without. Weeeeeee! Hrrr hrr hrrr
ljlkjlaisjelrkjalsekjrawli43jojo9jlj

That’s right, Biennale, watch and weep.

COOL IDEA #2 – MODERN SPORTS
Here’s a list of some modern sport games I just thought of:

• Zinging. The rules: just doing random sporty-stuff until someone wins.
• Doobading. The rules: Standing and sipping pineapple juice while thinking about squirrels.
• Abstractisomething. The rules: there are none.
• Biss. Biss is actually a wall full of Phillips screws. What does it have to do with sports? The same thing it has to do with art.

…
Okay, now it’s time for a prophetic vision!!!

Prophetic vision:
People are going to say that I just don’t understand art.
To these people I say, “Go eat a meadow muffin.”

New Religion, Everybody!!!

That’s right, folks.
I’ve seen the light, and founded a NEW RELIGION.

Q) Have you “seen the light”, Jacob?
A) Actually, I’ve seen too many lights. Of flash-bulbs. I’ll explain later.

Q) What’s so good about this new religion? Are you planning on embarking on a holy war?
A) I’m glad you asked!
My new religion (named Jacobism, after its founder) is a plug-in religion.

…And just in case you skimmed through the last line, I’ll write it again:
My new religion (named Jacobism, after its founder) is a plug-in religion.

The idea of a plug-in religion is that it is compatible with ANY other religion.
This means that no matter what your beliefs or disbeliefs are, you can still be a faithful Jacobist.
As proof to this claim, I’ve got okays from several major deities and/or prophets and/or nobody that exists according to someone-or-other’s belief:

* Note: I haven’t actually asked any of the following what their opinions are, but I’m sure they would say something along the following lines.

Now that that’s behind us, let’s get into the details!

THE REVELATION
It aaaaaall started during yet another one of those family get-togethers.
Family get-togethers are called “get-togethers” because — right! You guessed it! — at some point, a relative will put an end to all actual conversation and declare, “ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY!!! GET TOGETHER FOR A FAMILY PICTURE!!!”

At this point, Uncle Bob (he’s not really an uncle of mine, but I’m not sure how we’re related so I just call him Uncle Bob, because others do. It might even be part of his name.) will say, “Sorry, Jack. I can’t listen to you speak about the book of yours just now; we’re having a family picture!”

Of course, it’s not A family picture, but a series of MANY family pictures. There’s always somebody who blinks and insists on having the picture taken again, or that third cousin who was busy talking on the phone before and only now realized where everyone is and simply MUST be in that picture.

And then comes the problem of people not knowing how to share photos over the internet.

Do they take the pictures with just ONE CAMERA, and then SHARE the darn things?
Oh, no.
By us, it’s all “Ooh! Ooh! Take the pictures with MY camera, too!”
This leads to the inevitable scene where several people are taking shots from DIFFERENT directions, at the SAME time.
And then nobody knows which camera to look at.
And THEN instead of looking into one camera and looking like this:

…I end up looking like THIS:

THE SOLUTION:
The solution to all these problems is Jacobism.
The one law of Jacobism is this:
1) You may not participate in any photo-taking where several pictures are being taken at the same time.

As you see, this does not contradict any other religious beliefs, and can fit in comfortably with any religion (or lack of one).

So now, repent!
Repent, or you’ll come out bad in all your pictures!

*** No Muslims were hurt during the production of this post ***