New Religion, Everybody!!!

That’s right, folks.
I’ve seen the light, and founded a NEW RELIGION.

Q) Have you “seen the light”, Jacob?
A) Actually, I’ve seen too many lights. Of flash-bulbs. I’ll explain later.

Q) What’s so good about this new religion? Are you planning on embarking on a holy war?
A) I’m glad you asked!
My new religion (named Jacobism, after its founder) is a plug-in religion.

…And just in case you skimmed through the last line, I’ll write it again:
My new religion (named Jacobism, after its founder) is a plug-in religion.

The idea of a plug-in religion is that it is compatible with ANY other religion.
This means that no matter what your beliefs or disbeliefs are, you can still be a faithful Jacobist.
As proof to this claim, I’ve got okays from several major deities and/or prophets and/or nobody that exists according to someone-or-other’s belief:

* Note: I haven’t actually asked any of the following what their opinions are, but I’m sure they would say something along the following lines.


Now that that’s behind us, let’s get into the details!

It aaaaaall started during yet another one of those family get-togethers.
Family get-togethers are called “get-togethers” because — right! You guessed it! — at some point, a relative will put an end to all actual conversation and declare, “ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY!!! GET TOGETHER FOR A FAMILY PICTURE!!!”

At this point, Uncle Bob (he’s not really an uncle of mine, but I’m not sure how we’re related so I just call him Uncle Bob, because others do. It might even be part of his name.) will say, “Sorry, Jack. I can’t listen to you speak about the book of yours just now; we’re having a family picture!”

Of course, it’s not A family picture, but a series of MANY family pictures. There’s always somebody who blinks and insists on having the picture taken again, or that third cousin who was busy talking on the phone before and only now realized where everyone is and simply MUST be in that picture.

And then comes the problem of people not knowing how to share photos over the internet.

Do they take the pictures with just ONE CAMERA, and then SHARE the darn things?
Oh, no.
By us, it’s all “Ooh! Ooh! Take the pictures with MY camera, too!”
This leads to the inevitable scene where several people are taking shots from DIFFERENT directions, at the SAME time.
And then nobody knows which camera to look at.
And THEN instead of looking into one camera and looking like this:
Jacob Spire
…I end up looking like THIS:

The solution to all these problems is Jacobism.
The one law of Jacobism is this:
1) You may not participate in any photo-taking where several pictures are being taken at the same time.

As you see, this does not contradict any other religious beliefs, and can fit in comfortably with any religion (or lack of one).

So now, repent!
Repent, or you’ll come out bad in all your pictures!

*** No Muslims were hurt during the production of this post ***

2 thoughts on “New Religion, Everybody!!!

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